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Thursday, January 9th, 2003
1:16 am - .the.end.
online journal. what a rediculous idea. fuck you for reading this. you inconsiderate prick. journal. private. keep the fuck out. i dont update it anyway. dont even waste your time here. if the fact that its outdated doesnt help you make up your mind, im unimportant. im insignificant. move the fuck on. or are you one of those sick fucks that gets off on that? like a corporate whore. thats what you are, isn't it? you enjoy feeding off the feelings of others. do us all a favor... put a bullet between your eyes. go buy a shotgun, load it up with slugs, put the barrel in your mouth and your toe on the trigger.

-fuck you

current mood: broken

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Wednesday, September 18th, 2002
2:43 pm - -dreams-
i have trouble dreaming. i always wish id have a vivid dream. rarely happens though. of course last night i had one. the context was horribly unrealistic... but i wanted to believe it none the less. i was in school again... and my ex katie was going to the same school. after much dancing about it, she wanted to get back with me.

why the fuck cant i just get over her? why does she still haunt me? what the fuck is wrong with me?

current mood: nostalgic

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Sunday, August 11th, 2002
2:13 pm - -recovering-aftermath-
went to kevin's party on friday nite. its been about a year since his last party. me and my brother both said we'd be spendin the nite a joe K's. i had a great time. the 'shock troops' tried to beat me in, but i put up a huge fite and then afterward i was like 'so when are you guys gonna beat me in for real'. and they fought m again and i went psychotic and started laughing. really freaked them out. yea the 'shock troops' are a fake gang that all my friends are in.

also rachel. thats enough right there. im sure i can remember from that. it was wierd anyway. just remember it was all drunkeness.

besides that i woke up to my dad finding the number for kev's house and calling to find me an my bro. and we had to go home. i really didn't get in much trouble. my dad was all "im sick of you lying to me", so i was like "why should i tell you where im going if you're just going to tell me i cant go there?" (he's a recovering alcoholic and he has this whole thing about me drinking)

im completely losing all my plainfield 'friends' which doesn't really bother me all that much. they were mosly a bunch of silly highschool drauma fiends. im sick of drauma and i dont need it. that party reminded me of what i should be looking for in my life. i had a good time with all my friends. nothing was wierd. it was all good.

-essex

current mood: sore

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Tuesday, August 6th, 2002
1:43 am - -no-updates-
im lame.

some shit happened.

nate came back. i get my best friend back, thats always good.
i am going to goto jjc soon (august 26th, joliet junior college).
thats good. (and karilyn wants us to get a dorm/apartment)

im back with my old 'clan' from lockport/lemont. paul england is gay,
but he will tell everyone besides his friend. i went out with nicky from
my plainfield group of friends after my brother's girlfriend's sis
(her name is nicole and my brother and his girlfriend have since
broke up). nicky and nicole were a bit of a disaster in a sense that
i was looking for a friend to be my girlfriend. so they ended rather
quick. just a week ago i met taryn, another girl from the plainfield
clique. i like her a lot. but everyone from the group is making actual
bets on how long the relationship will last.

im her first boyfriend. thats a lot of responsiblity. i hope this relationship
actually lasts for a while.

lately ive been thinking a lot. about love, who i am, what i want...
etc. i cant really come to too many conclusions. maybe thats who
i am. an undecided little qwirk. dunno. but i do know i've had
a skewed concept of love and being in love for a while.

time to hit the reset button on my life.

-essex

current mood: awake

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Wednesday, June 19th, 2002
11:22 pm - -a-poem-for-you-
Reaction (the beginning)


its coming and i feel it reaching for me through
the hollow promises coming from another day

i need to get away before it gets to me
im killing everything and me along the way
go ahead and take me lightly
and take me for granted
and watch what i destroy

-essex

current mood: accomplished

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9:37 am - -today-is-the-greatest-
im 18.

current mood: excited

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Saturday, April 27th, 2002
3:11 am - -prom-nite-
i made out with my brother's girlfriend's sister. i was real drunk, but im pretty damn sure i like her anyway. just posting this so i remember

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Monday, February 18th, 2002
12:05 pm - -windows-update-complete-
i got a new computer. its swell. but for the past week ive been werkin on hardware and formatting and reinstalling everything. pain in the ass. anyway, MY CAM WERX NOW! how swell. also my church asked me to redo their website. ive been werkin on that. that is all for now... cept that i told sula i liked her in a *wink wink, nudge nudge* kinna way. and she only had an 'oh' type response.

current mood: sore

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Thursday, February 7th, 2002
10:43 pm - -trip-like-i-do-
i found this swell game... and i havent been able to stop playin it: www.brainchew.com/modules/TheRealm/

im goin out with jamie now... i asked her what she wanted from me and she said it was for me to fall madly in love with her... :o( she also told me she might not be moving away. this might cause conflict considering im in love with juliee. im gonna go sleep now... ive been feeling like serious shit for the past week. also my back is way outta line. i fell over today and i couldn't move. it was bad. i was like, "help, i've fallen, and i cant get up" *little red button goes 'kleeeeeeek'*

current mood: weird

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Sunday, February 3rd, 2002
5:57 pm - -effin-windoze-
i got a copy of win2k adv server... but it's missing the boot disk files. i've been looking for them all day with no success.

current mood: annoyed

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Saturday, February 2nd, 2002
2:42 pm - -rite-after-that-
im gonna punch my family in the face.

current mood: annoyed

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2:22 pm - -party-update-:-two-
rundown:
got picked up by jamie & nate. stayed there for a while. joe decided, even though i told him not to, that it would be a good idea to call my house looking for me after he got of work. the problem with that is that i was supposedly spendin the nite at his house. so i talked slyly to my parents and said id been looking for joe and id come home so he could come pick me up. i get home, clean up some, and joe goes straight to the party and then tells me he refuses to come pick me up. i was buzzed and not in the mood so i told him he basically wasn't my friend if he was going to pull that. although it was kind of shitty, i dont need people that selfish to act like they care about me. anyway, jamie finally convinced him to come pick me up because ian needed a ride too. it took IAN to get him to come pick me up. i dont know anymore. but... as a side note... it turned out that ian was the only guy decent to me the whole nite. (besides pat and pat's fiance's cousin)

anyway, i got back to the party. adam dragged me upstairs... and told me i had to fuck jamie. of course, adam is always whining about how HE can never get sex and how hes a fucking virgin... but the stupid fucking, piece of shit asshole tells me to take advantage of my friend when shes drunk... but he cant. ive lost every bit of sympathy i had for him... he needs to shut the fuck up.

my 'friends' started pickin on me, and slappin me around, and being rough and assholes. the people there i didn't even know treated me better and with more respect. earlier, before the party started, nate had asked if anyone had condoms "just in case". i was the only one who had any and i had one. he demanded that i give it to him so that it could be a 'group' one for whoever gets to use it first. after i was thoroughly drunk, this virgin chick took me upstairs and tried to fuck me, but adam (being the SWELL guy he is), started threatening me and her and told us to get out of the room and go downstairs cause we cant fuck. jelous bastard...and i didn't even want to fux her. i went downstairs and had another shot and some beer and was feeling down. i sat in the frontroom for a bit to try to talk to my friend amy (funny story, nate knew her because he talked to her while on my screen name a week before the party and invited her), but instead, nate came in and yelled at me saying i better not even think about having sex or he'll kick my ass. best part was that he was the soberest person in the house... and it was okay for any other person in the house to have sex.

i have nice friends, dont i?

after this i stared at the tv for a while. all it said was "at&t digital cable", but i stared anyway. then i got up and was in severe mellonchollie for the rest of the nite. i avoided everyone and eventually passed out so i didn't have to deal with it. this kind of makes me feel bad because the only people there who were my friends and nice (rachel, jamie, and karilyn) i didn't want to talk to about stuff, even though they knew something was wrong.

at 8am, adam and whoever the fuck else turned some hardcore on the stereo as loud as they could and told everyone to get up and help clean. nice way to wake up someone with a hangover. im pretty sure the neighbors loved it too. joe wanted to leave because that pissed him off (wtih good reason), and he took me with, thank god. i found out later that after they woke up the people who werent pieces of shit, they passed out while everyone else cleaned.

the moral of the story? fuck people. im tired of hanging around people who feel they need to impress their friends. i dont, and i cant stand people that do. im tired of being treated like shit by people i care about and who supposedly care about me. i hate people.

current mood: pissed off

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Friday, February 1st, 2002
10:51 pm - -party-upadate-:-one-
goin bad already... update later.

current mood: aggravated

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2:59 pm - -waiting-for-tonite-
school was lame, but it was also an experience. I cut my hair three days ago... my bangs are gone. today i wore a nice turtle-neck sweater... and everyone was like, 'woa, wtf?'... i fool dem bassages!

im gonna prolly pass out and get up, shower and then goto the PARTAY. ive been jokingly saying im gonna put towels in the washer and turn it on so i can fux0r pplz on it. but of course, its my same old half-jokingly, 'that would be cool' type of comment.

antici-SAY IT!-pation


What Video Game Character Are You? I am a Light Cycle.I am a Light Cycle.


I drive fast, I turn fast, I do everything fast. I even breakfast. I tend to confuse people with my sudden changes of heart. Sometimes I even confuse myself, which tends to cause problems. What Video Game Character Are You?


current mood: anxious

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Thursday, January 31st, 2002
8:02 pm - -coming-out-of-a-coma-
i need to change myself

"the raisors and the dying roses plead i dont leave you alone. the demigods and hungry ghosts, god, god knows im not at home."

nate's 21's bday party tomorrow nite

updates: i love juliee, i want juliee, juliee isn't here, she's over there. is juliee a figment of my imagination? umm, the karolyna thing or whatever didn't werk cause... shes dumb. im stupid too though, as i can tell from lookin over my motherfucking posts.

current mood: lethargic

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Monday, September 3rd, 2001
2:43 am - .fucking.
r0b, i just want you to know... i hate you.

Your better half,
-rob

current mood: insane

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2:30 am - -poem-
hes all alone
hes drudging through
a swamp of ruin
grasping at his legs
he pulls hard and harder
straining more each step
its pulling him in
he pulls up his knee
but his leg breaks away
he tries to keep on
moving with one leg
propped up with a crutch
he pulls up his knee
but his leg breaks away
he tries to keep on
but he cant keep from falling apart
hes lost amongst the ruin

current mood: numb

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Sunday, September 2nd, 2001
3:37 pm - -me-sux0r-
i cant seem to update consistantly. i suck. gotta werk on that.

-r0b-

current mood: cynical

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Monday, August 20th, 2001
11:25 pm - -original-
today, i kissed karolina (wojciech's friend) when she dropped me off at my house.

ive been keeping up with my journy very lousily. *smax his own hand* bad me... im tired... update later.

-r0b-

current mood: happy

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Thursday, August 16th, 2001
4:23 pm - -stuff-
me and adam made up last nite. and it turns out he only told nate that one thing, and he never wanted to beat me up. so i was pissed over nothing. i was supposed to hang out with sula today, i just woke up 5 min ago.

-r0b-

current mood: sleepy

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